My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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