I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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