She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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