I am spending my child support on dildos
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
