Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
