My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
50% drunk capacity currently
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Randomize
