I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
