Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
