Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
