At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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