Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
