I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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