i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
