a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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