I wish I only lived at night.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
