girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i came on her dog
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
