He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
