what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
