Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
