May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
