did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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