ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
