This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
