I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
