im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
