i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
