Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
