you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
