Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
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