you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
my shit smells like andre
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
