I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
