just come out here and I will go home with you...
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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