Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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