I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize