what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
