my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
