sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
