she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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