Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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