Plan B is the new Plan A
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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