I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
