come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Houston, we have a squirter
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
