she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
two words...techno handjob
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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