Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
