happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
