new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
