While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
this hospital has no fireball
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
