I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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