My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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