I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
