miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
