I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
