tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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