this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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