i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I love you. Go after that dick
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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