cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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