I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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