I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
