I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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