Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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